Stages of Relationship

Couples go through predictable stages in relationship.marriage. ?Just knowing the stages are normal, and that there are ways to move to the higher stages can help you know where you are and what you need to do..

Why does something that starts out feeling so good seem to go downhill once you take that step of commitment?

One reason is that relationships go through predictable stages, although the intensity may vary from person to person and couple to couple. You may notice that relationships with friends, a boss, a job, or an adopted child may follow a similar pattern; everything seems wonderful and then the ?honeymoon? is over. Frustrations or hurt feelings begin to mount. In marriage or in a deeply committed love relationship, these stages take on new intensity. There is much more at stake when we make a commitment to spend our lives together to love and be loved.

Stage I: Romantic Love

The Romantic Love stage often feels so good that you want it to last forever. ?In a new job or a new love, everything seems perfect at first. When you see things that you don?t like, you might deny or at least minimize them. You tend to go above and beyond what is required or expected. You feel energized, alive, and filled with new dreams. In romantic relationships, your heart is filled with love and you know that this person loves you. You both find many ways to show your love. When you?re apart, you are thinking of one another. Everything feels right. Some people feel a sense of finally ?being home? or of being ?complete?, feeling alive and connected.

What we now know through research is that not only is your heart full of love, but your brain is flooded with feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine and PEA (phenylethylamine).

Chemically, it belongs to the type of drugs like amphetamines. However, the effect it has on behavior is similar to that of an endorphin, although the intensity of it can vary from person to person. Like most endorphins, PEA increases energy, feelings of well being, positive outlook, and diminishes pain. It increases sexual desire. PEA is what allows you to skip meals and sleep. If you usually tend to be anxious, PEA may help you feel safe and calm. If you are usually depressed, you might have more energy and see things more positively. You believe that it is this other person that brings the best out in you and at last you?ve found the one! In some ways you are loving ?under the influence!? ?It is also the time when we glimpse the essence of the other because his or her defenses are down and that?s who we fall in love with.

Stage II: Disappointment (also called the Power Struggle)

This stage is about a struggle for protection. One of the biggest illusions in our culture is that Romantic Love will last forever, if you just find the right partner. We hear that love is supposed to continue happening ?naturally? and if you have to ?work? on it, it must not be real love. These illusions are one of the reasons relationships start to break down. When people get stuck in this stage, they begin to think they are with the wrong person. In fact, another name for this is the stage of Disillusionment.

One reason for the let-down feeling is that PEA production begins to decline. And because we see the other person as the source of our good feelings, we blame them when we don?t feel as good! Little distresses start getting dropped into the space between and the climate begins to shift, leading to a sense of disconnection. And of course, we think it is their fault!

In this 2nd stage, you might start feeling anxious or disappointed. Things that you once liked about your partner have become sources of frustration and hurt feelings. You may ask yourself, ?What has happened to him/her/us?? Some people experience a sense of betrayal or loss.

What have you lost? PEA bliss!!! Defenses come back up as PEA diminishes and instead of relating to a person, you are usually relating to a protective pattern. It sometimes feels like love is dying. You begin thinking or saying things like: ?If you would just. . ., then everything would be great. . .? OR, ?Is this going to be what the rest of my life is like?? You become adversaries instead of partners. Frequently one or both partners engage in blame, criticism, sarcasm, put-downs, or withdrawal and silence ? especially when they have not learned good skills for handling conflict.

Anger and resentment can build. Sometimes it feels as if you are walking on eggshells. Little things seem to so easily turn into big things. Winning and being right becomes more important than working together and co-creating the loving, fulfilling relationship you both want. Demonstrations of love, respect, appreciation decline and might even disappear first from neglect, and then because of hurt feelings. If enough distress builds up, you may just avoid your partner as much as you can. Or you may turn to someone else, to work, to children, or some other person or thing to attempt to meet your needs and avoid the distress.

For some couples this stage can get to the point of desperation where you?ve tried everything you know and it seems the only option is to get out ?temporarily or permanently. Many people give in to hopelessness and despair at this stage. Sometimes even well-meaning friends or family encourage you to get rid of your partner. Some people just try to cope by shutting down emotionally or sexually and resigning themselves to a quasi-workable living arrangement. Some stay together because of the kids, or because they are afraid people will judge them, or because of financial concerns, and end up living in the same house disconnected from one another.

Conflict is growth trying to happen to help you and your partner grow. ?It is normal. Conflict can be a door to healing and personal growth. How we deal with conflict can be a problem. Verbal, mental or physical abuse is never acceptable. If you are getting out of control with your anger, you need help now. ?If you are living with someone who is out of control and/or controlling with their anger, you need to get help to get safe.
Finding a new partner does not solve the ?problem? either . . . .because your journey to healing and growth needs to happen and you will for the most part recreate the same ?problems? and climate that you had before. You also take your same buttons, your same protective behaviors, and tend to find yourself in a very similar place.

Stage III & IV: Knowledge and Awareness :

This is the stage in which you not only recognize that your relationship can be more than it is, but also that you have the power to make real changes. You choose to become conscious and intentional, and begin a whole new chapter in co-creating the relationship you both dreamed of.

While one or both of you may continue to feel anxious, confused, afraid, and may resist making some of the changes, you take charge as partners of the direction of your happiness as a couple. And you do that best by taking charge of your own behavior. You start intentionally learning how to become the right partner. AND, you go back to your list of values and of those ?ingredients? that you want to have in your marriage.

In this stage, when you use good communication skills, you can gain new information and insights about yourself, about your partner, and about the nature of marriage or relationship. You discover the hurts, fears and unmet needs that are the roots of conflict and you can find more effective ways to address the REAL problems, not just the symptoms.

A few things to help you in this stage:

1) learn good communication skills.

2)?go back to your blueprint of values and the ingredients you want in your marriage.

3) focus on your OWN behavior. Look at some of the things you do that are not helpful to the relationship. What are you putting into the?relationship climate? Does it cultivate the relationship or pollute it? Then begin taking one step at a time to change those things that don?t cultivate it.

4) read books about relationship

-??????? ?Getting The Love You Want? by Harville Hendrix

-??????? ?Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus? by John Gray

-??????? ?Hold Me Tight? by Sue Johnson

Stage IV: Transformation

In this stage you consciously practice the skills you are learning about communication, stretching into new behaviors, creating emotional safety, etc. You become partners in the healing and growth of the relationship, your self and your partner. You hold in your mind and heart the vision of the relationship you want and you work each day to make it a reality. You also find that you are realizing your potential more in other parts of your life.

Stage V: Real Love

This is the stage of deep respect and cherishing of one another as separate and unique individuals without losing the sense of connection. It is a stage of joy, passion, intimacy, happiness and having fun together. It is the stage of living out the vision of true partnership, unconditional love and safety, and of coming to see your partner as your best friend. It is the stage of moving toward the spiritual potential of committed relationship the journey toward wholeness, the love in which you taste Divine Love in whatever way you imagine or language that.

This Real Love is possible for you if you are both willing to do the work it requires. It never ?just happens by itself.? You don?t have to wait until you are retired to have it. But it also doesn?t happen in 5 years. It takes time and building a history of love and meeting challenges together.

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Source: http://www.victoriapawlowski.com/?p=6652

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